I've Been Tickled by Elmo!

I have a confession to make. I have been tinkling in the back of my car. I’ll go ahead and explain that very bizarre statement. When I began potty training my daughter I let her pick out her own potty seat. Much to my chagrin, she chose the ever popular Elmo one
that kids can high five and he talks to them while learning to use the potty. You see, I have never been Elmo’s biggest fan. In fact, I have always found him to be rather irritating and I considered that signature laugh of his to be quite jarring. However, since becoming pregnant, I have had a change of heart towards that furry little red bilingual creature. I have an aversion to public restrooms and I refuse to take my children in them unless it’s absolutely vital. When I became pregnant last June and started feeling the overwhelming urge to tinkle every 3-5 minutes, my attitude towards Elmo did an abrupt about-face.

It all started in October when I was out taking pictures with my sister and I had to urinate like you wouldn’t believe. The problem was, we were out in the middle of nowhere and there were no restrooms or wooded areas in which to alleviate my bladder. I informed my sister I was just going to hop in the back of the car and use Elmo. She could scarcely believe her ears and watched open mouthed as I walked to the car, shut myself inside and relieved myself on my daughter’s potty training seat. In my defense I have a vehicle with very dark tinted windows and on a cold, overcast fall day there is no seeing inside of it without having your nose up to the glass. Anyway, I was so completely desperate that I had no shame or embarrassment at that point. Desperate times call for desperate measures and a pregnant woman is indeed desperate when it comes to emptying her bladder. Little did I know that when we bought the “fun bus” it would literally turn into a roaming porta-potty. If anyone would have told me that’s what I would come to love it for the most, I would have rolled my eyes and laughed in their face.

Due to the fact that I get a bit winded just walking around my house, I am also guilty of finding a somewhat quiet parking lot and climbing into the back to visit Elmo. I just don’t have the strength to get both kids out of their seats, haul them into a disgusting public restroom with me, all the while making sure they don’t touch anything, and then buckling them back in again. Sometimes when I sit on Elmo my foot “high-fives” Elmo’s hand and he encourages me both in Spanish and English as I tinkle. Alright, alright, it’s my cankle that high fives him, not my foot. My foot is too low to the ground to reach his hand. I guess since I’m confessing I might as well go all the way! As Berkeley is facing the front, still buckled into her seat, she’ll say “Mom, are you using my Elmo seat again?” Oops, guilty! I have no secrets with a 4 year old!

The other day we took the dogs out to the park and we walked quite a distance into a heavily wooded park. Well, nature called, naturally, and I chose to squat a few times in the woods rather than make the trek all the way back to the car. Oliver stayed with me and as I squatted, he looked at me with this cute little puzzled look on his face and said “Mommy, go potty?” As I got myself back together and we caught up to Tom & Berk, Oliver exclaimed “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy go potty” and he proceeded to squat down just like me. Tom started cracking up. Oops, caught! I have no secrets with a 2-1/2 year old. I think on that particular outing I marked my territory more than the canines!

The other day we had the bikes loaded in the back of the car and every time we turned a corner one of the bikes would "high five" Elmo and he’d start talking to us out of the blue from the back of the car. Every time this happened we’d all giggle and say “Oh, Elmo!” He was cracking us up.

My one and only somewhat awkward incident while spending some quality time with Elmo, was the other day before a Dr.’s appointment. I had about 10 minutes to kill until my appointment, so I decided to run into a little shop real quick. The problem was I had to pee so badly that I didn’t even think I could make it walking from the parking lot into the store. I did my customary disappearing act into the back of the bus and emptied my bladder. I ran into a little glitch: a mini van pulled in a couple of spaces away from me just as there was a bit of a sun break. I don’t think I was as invisible as I had hoped to be. I was also wearing a lighter colored sweater and I think my movement caught the driver’s eye. The driver happened to be a man and he was waiting at a bus stop so he had plenty of time to kill and nothing else to watch so he chose to watch me. I stayed as still as I possibly could and just stared back at him hoping to make him uncomfortable. No such luck. After a few minutes of just sitting there willing him to look away, my cankles were falling asleep and were crying out for some much needed circulation. I had to take action. In one rather clumsy, pregnant motion, I pulled up my pants and awkwardly put myself back together. I exited the vehicle and walked away from the situation with as much dignity as I could possibly muster. As I shopped, my “righteous anger” flared up and I decided I wasn’t going to let that man in the mini van embarrass me. I left the store with my head held high, squared my shoulders and was prepared to shake my fist at him as I walked back to my car. His bus must have come because he was nowhere to be seen by the time I got back out there. To be frank, I was a little relieved! Oh well, at least he had a good story to tell the guys during his lunch break. I do think it was pretty rude of him though. If he was driving a mini van I have to assume he has a wife who is or has been pregnant before and has been in my shoes. He needs a lesson in compassion. Or, maybe I need a lesson in discretion :) Urinating in public is against the law afterall. I am able to justify it by reassuring myself that it's ok since I'm doing it in the dark, tinted abyss of the family truckster.

I don’t mean to bore you with my many tales of “urinating on the go,” Look on the bright side though, my bladder is always “half full.” I just thought I’d give a shout out to my new-found friend, Elmo. Elmo, I apologize for thinking ill of you all those years before experiencing the “joys of pregnancy.” In fact, I have a lot to thank you for. Thank you for making outings possible and even enjoyable while being pregnant. Thanks for the Spanish lessons, the laughs and most of all the relief! Muy bien Elmo, muchas gracias!